The ‘D’ word – How To Make Divorce Work

Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem.

Divorce, the topic that no one wants to discuss. There are a few topics which Muslims tend to
hide from. They don’t want to talk about the elephant in the room. One is the main topic of interest of
this edition, and the other one is divorce. I feel these are both topics that we must address – not only
talk about them but explain them – so that if we go through either, we’ll know what to do In sha
Allah . Today I will talk about how to make divorce work, In sha Allah.

Step 1: First acknowledge that you as a couple have tried everything to make your marriage
work. This is a very important step. Today many people walk away from their marriage before fully
trying to make it work. They have a problem and that’s it: They forget all the good times, and think it’s
not meant to be; “khalas, I am done”. This should not be our mentality, my dear brothers and sisters. We
should be in the mentality of, “I must try my best for the sake of Allah SWT , and if it doesn’t work then
khair In sha Allah, I did all that I could do.” Also, in every stage of your issues, both spouses should
keep making Istikhara, asking Allah SWT for guidance. At every step you want Allah SWT by your side,
helping guide you to the right path. It is also at this stage that you get the elders involved, if need be,
to help resolve your issues.

Allah SWT says in the Qur’an:
“If a couple fears separation, you shall appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator
from her family; if they decide to reconcile, God will help them get together. God is
Omniscient, Cognizant.” (Quran 4:35)

Step 2: After both trying your best, it’s now time to say “Alhamdulilah we tried, and it wasn’t
meant to be.” By this step, both husband and wife will be aware of the situation. Now it’s time for them
to accept that it is really happening. I will be honest with you, it’s easier said than done. When the time
finally comes, it’s actually very hard to let go, for maybe both husband and wife, or one of them. They
may have been married a few short years or as much as twenty years, and now their whole life is about
to change. Whatever their situation was, usually they were in a comfortable state. Maybe not a happy
one, but a comfortable one. It’s time to let go and have faith in Allah for whatever is about to come your
way. For a woman this may be tough, as she is usually financially dependent on her spouse. Now this
means she must find a new means to make money and take care of herself and her kids. Her husband
may pay child support or may not, so she has to be able to take care of her situation. As for the husband,
he may be dependent on her for cooking, cleaning, taking care of the home, and being there for him
physically. He doesn’t want to go and search for another woman to do all this for him, and start all over:
to have to go through the process of learning what she likes and dislikes, what her pet peeves are and
what will annoy her about him. He just got comfortable. SubhanAllah. So this is a tough stage where
the couple may be aware that it’s time to part, but they both may require more time.

Allah SWT says in the Qur’an:
“And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly
submissive [to Allah].” (Quran 2:45)

Step 3: Life goes on. Alhamdulilah, they have made the move to live separately and raise the
kids together. This is where another difficult situation arises. Now everyone wants to know, “Whose
fault was it?” We have to blame someone, right? We are trying to figure out who to blame. This is
another reason why many couple stay, as sometimes neither wants to be blamed for the divorce. So
they stay unhappy and keep each other miserable due to what people will say. I suggest that at this time
the couple sit down and agree on what to tell others. By this time the elders on both side of the family
already know what’s going on, as they have tried to help the situation the best they could. There is no
need to blame anyone at this point. Everyone has tried their best, and if it’s not meant to be then they
just leave it at that. The best answer here is to say, “It wasn’t meant to be. Alhamdulilah, we tried our
best.” Besides that, it really isn’t necessary to get into the details of what the issue was or whose fault it
was as the elders on both sides of the family already know. Regardless, people will add to the story
and then share it with everyone else, so it’s best to just leave it. This is very tough as I said, as the blame
game would have begun by now. Everyone wants to look like the nice one. No one wants to be blamed.
And unfortunately, this is where a lot of our mistakes begin. We begin blaming, and then that leads to
yelling and screaming from both sides, which leads to both sides cursing the other side, and the terror
begins. Then the kids are told from both sides that the other parent is the evil one. This is nothing but a
massive fitnah. I have seen this first hand, and it is terrible.

Allah SWT says in the Qur’an:
“When you divorce women, and they have reached their waiting-period, then either retain
them in a fair manner or set them free in a fair manner; and do not retain them for injury, so
that you transgress (the limits); and whoever does that he indeed is unjust to his (own) self:
And do not take Allah’s Signs in mockery, and remember Allah’s blessing upon you and what
He has sent down unto you of the Book and Wisdom to admonish you thereby, and be in awe
of Allah and know that Allah is All-Knowing of all things.” (Quran 2:231)

In conclusion, before we even head down the road of a divorce we must think of what Allah SWT
has said to us regarding the subject. Allah SWT has allowed divorce, while He hates it. It should be our
last resort. Once we have committed to marriage, we should try our best to make it work. If we have
tried it all and it doesn’t work, then only with respect and honor should we part from one another. First
and foremost, we do this for the sake of Allah SWT, and second, we do this for our own sake to have
peace of mind and ensure we don’t create more fitnah for ourselves and others. Third, we do this for the
sake of our families: This includes our parents who have already suffered enough, and our kids. In order
to raise stable children with love and affection, we should teach them patients and tolerance. We should
explain to them that we have tried our best, but it didn’t work out, and that it is not their fault. They
should know that we love them and that both parents will work hard to take care of them and be there
for them, In sha Allah .

A question you may be asking is, “isn’t it hard?” Yes, it will be painful, and there will be heartache involved.
However, we must remember that during those hard times we have to be patient and truly get closer to
Allah SWT. It is only Allah SWT that will take the pain away and decrease our heartache. We just need to
deal with our feelings amicably, and remember that Allah SWT knows best what is good for us. This
might seem too good to be true, but it’s not, my dearest sisters and brothers. I personally went through
a divorce in my life that I never imagined would be possible. When I got married at 19 years old, I
thought many times about death coming to either one of us as a qadr of Allah SWT. However, never did I
imagine divorce. Alhamdulilah, we went through all of the steps above and my kids as well as my family
felt heartache and pain; however, it wasn’t as deep as others who go through a divorce in a difficult way.
Yes, people still talked and they always will; however, if you have thick skin then you won’t be offended,
and know that you will receive good deeds In sha Allah . Allah SWT will test all of us, and the closer we
get to Allah SWT, the harder the test will be. We must always be patient, kind, respectful and do our best
when we’re facing a calamity or difficulty. Divorce is another test in our lives. Alhamdulilah for
everything.